welcome to the next update of my hols..god i have to apologise for how unreliable i am when it comes to updating these things.i just have a Drive to Write when i'm piss bored between classes on campus-otherwise i potato at home (yes, potato, synonymous with just sitting on the couch, bingeing, TV-on-but-not-really-watching kind of mindless holiday activity) and there's nothing to spark the imagination.

no, actually, nothing to get my big lazy arse off the soft surface its ensconced in.

anyway nothing much happened the second week-OK!!stuff did happen!haha the friday my parents were in lanka i took out the SUV without my licence and P sticker to pick sen up from the football field in the pouring rain. scratched the car against the merc, like i told you-cost 400, mum covered it, spoilt me silly. well, i totally (and unregrettably) exploited her oh-my-god-i'm-home-with-my-darling-unfortunate-baby post-holiday feeling and she got me a new phone to replace my conked 3200...as a birthday present, Lah, i'm not sooo manipulative, i haven't the heart.

okay pulled off a heck of a story this week..

the first week of the hols, my parents went to sri lanka.with my brother.trouble is (or was) they were supposed to take me, and so the night before our 5a.m. flight i pack everything of importance and toiletries and books and emergency non-necessities and trivial needless things and yadaya.vishal-my 13yrold bro for those not in the know-had packed his things into a space that took up .01% of the suitcase, so i pretty much utilised the rest of the .99%.i mean, wastage of Any Sort is a sin, is it not...:)

then my mother marches into the room unannounced.do i even have to say that,mums do that all the time-i think we need password-protected entryways into our bedrooms.influenced by dan brown's early stuff, reading something called digital fortress.you can tell that he refined and fine-tuned quite a bit before his smashing da vinci code-this one's a bit messy and predictable and loaded with tech jargon that makes his writing look very intelligent...its not a bad thing to do that, cos it keeps u wonderin whether it will all make sense in later chapters, but Ease Off a bit, u know...

I DIGRESS surprisesurprise.

mum tells me to follow her to the master bedroom.this ONLY happens if taylor's does its bullshit and mails my absenteeism letters straight to the folks, or if they get my mobile bill (on a line so they can check.my boyf became 'my best friend, he's my emotional stronghold we study together etc. etc.' haha more like the million calls is to get him to pick up after a row), or if someone said somethin abt 'seein me in malls with boys'.in indian families, every old fussin grandma knows everyone else regardless of whether they forget their specs,drool at the dining table or have lipstick stains on their teeth. they are Lean,Mean and Mercilessly Efficent Social Networkers, otherwise translated as Lifeless Gossips.sorrylah, but seriously.patriarchy is alive but the matriarchs hold the puppet strings.

i follow her anxiously.my heart is pounding.i am sweating.it's all michael crichton-ish and screeching violins in my head-and Then i see my father with his Head in his Hands and i think,it's all over.

and in a way, it was.

they forgot to check my passport's expiry date.it had expired on the 24th of Nov this year.i could not go to lanka.my heart soared into my brain and my brain evaporated.haha did i just say that-no hang on how do people put indescribable bliss in physical terms..i had this humongous guffaw that threatened to explode out of my mouth and the effort that went into subduing it made me jerk spasmodically. i pretended i was in fits of grief and escaped to the loo where i ran the tap and laughed my arse off.vishal knew i was happy-he put his mouth to the door and said a couple of very rude things i can't repeat...but what did i care.i was free.

Right.spent the week with my grandma with a 6pm curfew.but she's an uber cool grandma-talkin to her and watching the slew of Vaanavil programs she was addicted to (it was a marathon from 8-11pm every night) was very insightful.i can't speak any of my three mother tongues for shit.passable Hindi, but that's about it...so i picked up quite a bit warming my butt on her Lazy Susan (yeah she has one how Cool is that) she let me wake up at twelve sometimes, and spoilt me silly in her gruff way-her affection is somewhat acerbic.

sometimes i'd ask to go back to my place, just to see my miniature poodle, mowgli-i'll paste a pic of him up soon.i just remembered..choi hasn't even come to my place yet..anyway back at my place id be bored stiff so i would illegally take out my dad's isuzu trooper.the trooper is a huge car-4WD,sun-roof,Lotus handling and an immensely powerful engine.3.2 la..subwoofers in the back..it's what sen calls the Pimp Ride *winks* and i took it out for a spin once.took it out again in the rain to pick sen up from the football field.i scratched it against a blue merc slk and gunned the gas for my life.im still waiting for the cops to call...my mum missed me so much from the trip she agreed to cover for me and blow the 400 it needed to fix it so my dad wouldn't see and crucify me before christmas.if they do call, she will know i dint hit some sticky-outy concrete block and instead took it a nice juicy distance away from the 30km/ph residential area of tmn petaling.i am a confirmed psycho.

will update on second week of hols...went to PD...or not..haha :) i'm eighteen.i'm living it up cos i think i deserve to.and the discipline maintained in my household keeps me balanced, so i don't regret any of the experiences i've helped create for myselfYESI'MGUILTYIGOTABITPISSED..AHHH..will spill the truth soon..till my next entry..peace out and get fat for xmas..love you all

                         

thats sen with shaving cream all over everything.haha i find this his most adorable picture yet...but i'm not putting up his baby pics bcos that's just OTT. :P it takes a lot to understand him, because he is so different from me-when i say this my mates go 'But opposites attract!' and flash me this all-knowing Martha Stewart smile. it's more complicated than it seems. but my sadistic nature craves torturous challenges (THAT was a load of phrasal rubbish) in a nutshell, i love this guy n i'd do whatever to get this smile. minus the shaving cream-blecch.

                                                   

Man.

the weekend was incredibly nightmarish.i think i was born under a bad star.no, actually, i'm supposed to be undergoing a 7-year period of bad luck (or so my paternal grandma says) and one of the conditions to see things through without like,dying or getting into a freak accident (tries to touch wood,can't find wood so touches head, can't decide if that's an insult or a valid substitute for wood and ends up confused) is to LISTEN TO MY PARENTS.

apparently i can't make decisions for myself.

ANYWAY i digress, so i missed david's party.had cassandra's party on saturday night, with a bloody absurd 12am curfew. i agreed.listening now pays off when it comes to the good shit later *winks* so i go, right, and i'm dancing and having fun and sen is proudly showing me off to everyone and he's so yummy in all black *blushes* talking to all my juniors and meeting new people, then 11.45  rolls around and my mother starts calling four or five different people to check that i'm leaving. ganesha hands me his phone. i panic and pick up the call there before placing his 3310 on a side table for 5 secs to go grab my handbag...

and when i come out he asks for the phone, i check for it-and it's not there.i was really disoriented-i knew what was waiting for me at home-so i thought i misplaced it and called home to say i'd be late because i lost a friend's phone. we finally concluded it'd been stolen, cos there was no way i'd put it anywhere else-i had friends who saw me put it there..and we checked under tables and chairs and under every bloody thing u can imagine. i'm on my hands and knees with my boobs falling out of my top.

ganesha loses it and screams at me in front of everyone at the party, and my friends are running up to me saying my mum is calling relentlessly (i just realised id been switching between past and present tense haha, moses eat your heart out) so vishno says Go Home Dhivia with an air of finality, cos he knows and i know i would probably be locked out of the house at the very least.

ya.its like, 9.22a.m. and i have a three hour break-next class at 12.time will fly, obviously, but you know?not till it's like, 10.30.

i went to HELP after my last paper ended-socio2-with a bunch of friends-renesh,yodie,villi,nive and ameet-im closest to the first two, though, and they are really nice people.sped all the way there in renesh's CRV-it was the latest model off the Honda line and the gear and the handbrake are right next to the steering wheel,positioned vertically.talk abt consumer-friendly.i kept avoiding a gear that wasn;t there until i realised that the stick i kept hitting next to the air-cond in the center was the said innovation.raved about it for ages.renesh withstood it, the dear ;P

anyway we walked around the campus.vanessa called it a bomb shelter for a reason-it's like a hollow enclave dug underground, with shops at the base of each building and lifts leading up to different sections of the campus.general atmosphere?in taylors it's an open campus, kinda like an oblong block that's been cut out of a cake...very sunny,very tile-and-glass and everyone can see the whole place from almost anywhere.HELP has different buildings that you have to cross the road to get to, and little units underground and above ground.sooo many places to eat and meet up.

HELP's producing a contemporised version of Much Ado, which i'm studying for Lit...and wang plays claudio.for those of you not in the know,he and i go back a long way.form 4.met him and we clicked but he had a girlfriend,so sort the rest out yourself...as expected,upon seeing me,he looked like he'd been shot and i froze,but we squeezed out reasonable 'hello's'.his girlfriend walked past me like i was a fly on the wall,albeit one with an afro haha (unfunny-nya) like what else is new..anyway it was such a scare to see him after nearly a year.hasn't changed a bit..probably looks more toned..sen was telling me he'd worked out and had an 8-pack.i remember when we used to talk wang'd tell me that his friends would ask him how to get a desirable bod.i don't know if that was plain honesty or a reflection of an egomaniacal nature-perhaps both-but i used to listen for hours,adoringly..well,haha,things change.still.it was a shock.wonder when i'll see him again, might go for the play,and i have an open invitation to go to HELP whenever i want or can.Fate is a funny phenomena.

there's an equal number of As and Hs. cool ar? *winks* psycho...guess who's back, back again...i've been doing more smsing than writing, with the exception of the slew of shitty papers ive just sat for.felt so mechanised, the whole process-ready,set,regurgitate! :) hated the finals.over a month of torture, an extended academic parallel of a Nazi concentration camp, ending with the most screwed up of papers, Socio 2, just to drive in the fact that you ARE too stupid.

dono la hate the admin, admin hate me, symbiotic-parasitic relationship cos it's mutual but painful...i know how much my council has done and how much the fking red tape and bureacracy stifled all our efforts.i asked them for sponsors.everyday for two weeks.and then when they have to fork out 14k for the prom deposit,they blame it on our incompetence.the injustice.i love my council..i have the brilliantest people working with me..shawn,ik,ravin,jos-they've become friends i cherish,and if anyone was slowing things down we were open and sincere enough to confront the slower-downer and make amends.politics came and went but we stuck to each other and even had fun outside of the council-haha we watched mean girls and jos and i sat separately from the three idiots so as to avoid observing embarrassing hormonal displays. i mean, one of the Plastics squeezed her boobs in almost every frame she appeared in.

lindsay lohan's cleavage-baring tops took regular nosedives (or naveldives, in reference to where they were pointing) the Plastic-er she got.i loved janis ian, the dyke that never was, and the 'too gay to function' dude.cant remember his name.anyway everyone comes out salivating abt lindsay and the blonde chick, so to make up for having to endure this anatomical backchat the men followed jos and i to mng and topshop.where a malay lady in a tudung flicked my precious wallet.

                                  

 Hey peeps,

Dhivia Bhaskaran Pillai ( thats ME whose not ME,onli Dhiv understands)
 would sincerely like to apologise for any inconvenience/dissentment/resentment caused whatsoever
as a result of her not blogging. This is cos,until AS(s) exams are over n done with, she cannot for any reason whatsoever, come over to the virtual world and with her words of wisdom.

My sincerest apologies. ;) hahah (dHIV IM HAVIN FUNNNN)

how can a thirteen-year-old sing about a guy promising her 'forever'?that isn't love, that's just plain stupidity.how do you think someone feels when she realises, painfully, that she is not compatible with the one she's with and if she wants the relationship to work out at all she has to devote her energy and time to understanding every complicated layer of her man? well, let me tell you. for someone who is used to things coming her way with minute difficulties and who expends a lot of energy on herself (because she is a chronic troublemaker) trying to deal with the male manifestation of her dark side is emotionally traumatic.

perhaps its the age.but enough people have told me it isnt how old the person is.i am so much more careful about who i go to for advice now, after the chaos that 2003 was.my naivete has been replaced with a carefully-maintained facade of unruffled cool (or so i, and probably a gajillion other people out there, would like to think) and closetedness.to a certain extentlah. part of me will always be the dhivia that thinks the world is full of sunshine and reciprocal love.

his brother tells me so many times that he adores me, but he has said 'i love you' three times since we got together.fine, so i need more time to be important enough for 'i love you' to not be some required relationship cliche in front of his friends.i am supposed to go to my grandma's to prepare for math this wednesday-in fact, i have exactly fifteen minutes to get my ass in gear, but i am in this 'can't-give-a-fuck' mood.listening to a track nigs recommended-Aceyalone,Find Out.now my kazaa's playing Garbage-Go Baby Go.haha its such a bitchy song.you can almost see the blonde bimbo in bright red lipstick, fishnets, a devil-may-care attitude and 5-inch stilettos.i don't know why the image in my head is in a Santarina costume.no, this is not some deep-seated fetish.although it might be priya's haha ;P im definitely going to get kicked for that remark.bring it on!i miss you lah!

he hasn't been calling, and i sms without reason.if you're in love you do things without reason, right?he has actually made me doubt love and i think this relationship is nothing but me,his older ornament, and him, using me as and when he pleases.i have been relegated to the submissive doormat because im afraid i might lose him if i piss him off.i have this nightmare where he enters his name in a search engine for fuck's sake and suddenly finds this blog.thanks to the message board, he will know exactly how many people are privy to my rantings and call me an annoying big-mouth AGAIN.he feels the pinch of being younger because everytime i make an attempt to console him or do something for him he asks me to stop treating him like a baby.but he's my baby-not cos he's younger, but cos i care for him.

i'm actually scared of the word love.i see so many couples using it freely and without being uncomfortable about it, and they profess it so willingly and enthusiastically.he denounces them.listening to Bush-Letting the Cables Sleep.it's a lovely song,heard it at la bodega the day i went out for lunch with muj,prith,farah and sumi.yes, sumi...may you rest in peace...i cannot believe i saw your laughing face one day only to read about your passing in the papers...makes everything else i talk about in this space utterly redundant.Utterly fucking stupid.when you look at the big picture you realise how piddling your problems are in the greater scheme of things.

but can i help it?this is my world.these are my problems, the things that make up MY big picture.blogs are rather selfish, anyway-they are outlets for self-centredness.i feel as cynical as V.S.Naipaul, whom i have been reading, an act which is a miracle in itself for a Humanities student with a thousand-page sociology textbook.i don't know la.im suspended in some kind of hollow vortex, unfeeling and like a lalang, going whichever way the wind blows.listening to Garbage,Androgyny.reminds me of how radical libertarian feminists want women to adopt masculine qualities to create equality.like how i should act as uncaring and as hormonal as sen to avoid going through this rollercoaster to hell.goodbye.

Hokay, let's get down to business.man, its been a long time since ive blogged, and my fingers are feeling the lack of practice.i'm skipping socio-i survived an arduous, marginally-productive double period yesterday when others were off doing more conducive things with their time.dressed like a fucking christmas tree to promote the themed dress-up week all councils are collaborating on, obviously the reception was less than warm but you can't say we didn't try!fuckers cancelled the futsal thing cos sportsplanet hiked up the rental fee at the eleventh hour, literally (yah, 11am the day before the tourney).

anyway, i went for sen's birthday on friday.took a heck of a lot of planning.told the parents i was going to stay over at joanne's apartment with the girls to avoid the nuisance of a curfew.so i stay the whole night without a wink of sleep because everyone is drunk and cannot shut up (except me, cos i don't drink-the whole experience was rather surreal.felt very detached from the proceedings.) someone got so pissed they shat on the wall and poor vishno had to scrub it off himself.i could get the stench from the living room.the shit wasn't just confined to the wall, either...thank god jon warned me before i walked past it.went in later anyways, my hair was mussed up.william ended up sleeping on ashraf, who woke up in the morning shirtless and walked out of the house in a stupor.apparently he had spent three hours in the shower.don't want to be the one footing their water bill.

glen was so fucked he french-kissed their dog Romeo, and went around smooching every other guy who failed to observe his rendezvous with the mutt until arvind came yelling into the porch like a banshee to warn all and sundry.they whacked him.well deserved-he told vishno that when his mum was pregnant with him, she went to the loo to shit and he popped out instead.sounds unfunny, but the way he said it sent us all into peals of laughter and vishno had to walk away to prevent himself from slapping sense into the small fry.the boy's 15!14?15!somewhere there!that's INSANE!but he's bloody talented-can make up really funny shit impromptu and play the guitar to it.sang a song about sen and his girls, starting with me, which totally put him out of favour with me.dint need to know.